The First Try

On the first try I had
too many kids
and couldn’t get them all
to sleep.

The second I looked down
at my pelican legs
and thought
“Now that I think,
who are you anyway?
Who are you
to have this many kids?”

Last week it was
fussing at a wedding,
you can’t play that song in here,
and since then I’ve listened to it
twelve more times
and that’s just one more
troubled kid
I dredged up.

If they ever sleep,
they live to wake,
oh lord,
no rest for me.

Yesterday it was #5,
today it’s back to #3
and the time in between
I didn’t learn.

If only I’d been super then,
sober then,
saner then,
safer then,
smarter back then.

I suppose I’d have
different children now,
baby elephant legs besides.

On the third try
I remembered that
and here we are,
look what I can do

’til the next,
oh lord,
child wakes.

Day 45 – Welcome to the Junkyard

It only would’ve lasted
until I knew for sure-
fascination ended by
an answer, at last-
a thirst for the truth
to settle things
in their right place:

“What happened?”

The gears would turn,
try to paint it in different lights-
the liar, the troubled, the confused-
which mask would it come down to?
But I didn’t expect

the least interesting mask of all.
The least helpful, least true
this mask of spared feelings-
to dishonor with lies
for fear of the hurt.

“Was any of it real?
Was it always in my head?”

A half-truth implied for protection.
A flimsy excuse to keep using.

I placed no blame on the blameless heart,
but the mouth who said nothing
and kept eating, who kept
accepting gifts, so easily
erased…

You were just an open box
I couldn’t pack away
because I didn’t know what
to put in it.

No friend should ever lie
so effortlessly;
no one who needs
should use so much.
This, now
I know.

I put a flask
and a pack of cigarettes
and a mask-

Be well
and

welcome to the junkyard.

 

 

Day 44 – Exhale

Sure some things are going wrong
but if I forget about all that
a lot of things are good

I try to exhale all that poison
but the well comes up dry
and if there’s still a couple drops
there’s no harm
and who needs to know?

Day 43 – Much to Say

Oh,
I don’t have
much to say
anymore.

You sortof reach a point
when you’ve said
thousands of things
and slowly they morph into
thousands of thoughts
that you watch glide by
like fish in the doctor’s office.

It’s not to say nothing matters;
but saying things just to get ears,
just to feel important,
just to build a following,
just to get your angst out-
that doesn’t matter.

Maybe you’ll sell a few coffee mugs.
Maybe even a book.

You could stand in front of a microphone
and feel
that you’ve earned it,
you could grab all eyes,
they could say your words
were the best words,
the greatest words they ever
shared on Instagram

but

words
on their own
have never
done

a single thing.

As someone who’s said
thousands of things,
I haven’t done
a whole lot.

So anymore,
I haven’t got
much to say.

Day 42 – Lulabelle

She was a princess
from another planet,
pure of heart and innocent,
captured by an evil entity
and transformed
into the foreign creature
which sits in my lap today.

She was a precious jewel,
banished from her kingdom,
her memory stolen,
and forced to live out
her days in exile
here with me.

She doesn’t remember
and I can’t tell,
but I know she’ll be rescued
someday.

And when she goes back
to where she came from
I’ll be honored to have served
the new Queen.