Breaking: That New Superhero Movie Looks Awesome

Reporters here at CharNN have completely abandoned our work in favor of crowding around a monitor to watch the trailer for that new superhero movie, but we can now safely report that it looks AWESOME!!!

We’ve all been waiting for a movie to be made about our favorite unsung hero who’s way better than all those other cliche heroes, and it’s finally here!

The movie tells the story of a person who overcomes a traumatic first-5-minute exposition, a difficult decision about their identity, and a training montage to become an attractive person with muscles who can beat people up/save people.

The middle of the movie presents a new challenge with the introduction of a villain, someone who has also survived a traumatic past only to decide to embody the EXACT OPPOSITE values as our hero! (We’ll pause here to note that although we weren’t super excited by early production stills of the villain’s costume/makeup, seeing it in action has put our fears to rest.)

At some point in the movie, our hero’s wildly-attractive-yet-intelligent love interest will be put in mortal danger, forcing him to make some tough slow-motion, violin-laden decisions regarding his identity and the difficulties which arise from being super.

And stuff blows up. Buses, buildings, trains, bridges, canning factories, schools, robots, people, and sports cars- it all blows up!

And sexy time happens. Vastly unrealistic, aerobically-near-impossible sexy time!

And finally, we presume, the hero wins, because the hero always has to win. But we’ll suspend our judgment until after dropping our 17 bucks at the Cineplex, because if for some reason the hero doesn’t win that means a sequel for next summer. Score!

Breaking: Motherhood is 100% More Fulfilling Than Anything You’ll Ever Do

According to a recent survey of pretty much every Mom ever, squeezing a small human out of your nether regions is equally the most burdensome and the most rewarding thing any female can do. While the hardships of birth and child-raising are enough to guarantee pity and guilty faux-respect from bystanders for a lifetime, the enlightenment of the experience ensures that moms get to hold it over their heads for just as long.

“It’s almost as if God himself came down and blessed my uterus with my own special little angel, and while he was at it he granted me all this insight and wisdom that non-moms just can’t understand,” said one chronic procreator. “I’m pretty much a sacred vessel of┬áthe future.”

This mom-specific wisdom has been the subject of much controversy among those selfish non-moms who obviously don’t care that there will be no one around to take care of them when they’re old.

“I don’t believe becoming a mother inherently endows someone with extra knowledge or experience that couldn’t be gained elsewhere, such as in professions which work closely with other people’s children,” said one bitter old shrew, Alexa Green. “Fulfillment can be gained from caring for children regardless of biology, such as in the case of adoption, as well as numerous other childcare occupations.”

But Alexa’s just a teacher, so what the hell does she know? At age 39 with no children of her own, she’s probably bitter that no one wanted to procreate with her, or that she chose an occupation which left her too poor to support a family. Even though she states that her “childfree” life was a choice, we know all it’ll take is the right man to come along and change her mind.

As for those women who have yet to experience the sheer miracle that is motherhood, we’re assured that it’s everything anyone has ever dreamed of and more, and it’s definitely right for you, despite what you may believe. Even this CharNN reporter now understands that she was a fool to ever believe in a socially-evolved society wherein women could aspire to anything greater.

Breaking: Man Pursues Impossible Dream, Wins Prestigious ‘A for Effort’ Award

On a slow news day, sometimes it’s nice to cover common occurrences that often go unnoticed. We’ve received yet another report highlighting the wonder of everything that’s right in the world: a man has pursued an impossible dream and, while not achieving that dream, has been presented with the ‘A for Effort’ award because life is nothing if not fair and just.

The prestigious award is commonly given to those who display average feats of bravery and commitment to astonishing goals which are often so difficult that we’re not sure why anyone would’ve ever tried to reach them anyway. Literally billions have taken comfort in the fact that reaching such lofty goals is unnecessary because a patronizing pat on the back is never far away.

The ‘A for Effort’ award includes the prize of a comfortable living, the affirmation and affection of one’s family, friends, and peers, as well as the personal satisfaction of not having tried very hard before reaping all of life’s undeserved rewards. The award has actually become so typical that mankind’s progress has come to a grinding halt due to lack of motivation, but who needs progress when the forerunners of change can instead accrue awards right from their living rooms!

In fact, this CharNN reporter just won the ‘A for Effort’ award for the eighth time in a row for typing actual words on the screen instead of just posting cat pictures! Hooray for real news and a world where life is totally fair!

Breaking: The Word ‘Epic’ Officially Banned From English Language

CharNN has just received report from Merriam-Webster that it has officially banned the word ‘epic’ from the English language due to overuse. The word, predominantly used by frat boys, gamers, and internet trolls, has been previously used to denote something heroic or of unusually great size or extent, such as the Trojan War or woolly mammoths.

But it seems that this generation of texting, Jersey Shore-watching, non-literary idiots have abused the word’s meaning into obscurity. Things now being described as epic include skateboard tricks, rap battles, sandwiches with four different meats, viral kitten videos, and 90’s sitcom reunions. This has caused a “watering-down” effect, so much so that the word now generally means little more than “kinda cool.”

While we can certainly appreciate the removal of this odiously fatigued word, we think the real story here is the realization of just how much power Merriam-Webster has over our speech. With the passing of the word-ban today, strict repercussions were set into place for anyone caught using it: first-time offenders will have a dictionary dropped on their foot, and repeat-offenders will be sentenced to hours of solitary confinement while listening to Weird Al’s “Word Crimes” parody on repeat.

We appealed to Merriam-Webster for comment on this decision, and asked what caused the ban. Their response?

“We’re sick and tired of hearing it. Deal with it.”

Breaking: Woman Walking Downtown Actually Cat-called By Group of Men

Reporters here at CharNN were shocked to learn of a cat-calling incident in downtown Orlando last night. A local woman, Shawna, 22, tells us she was walking alone from a parking garage to a bar to meet friends when this unfortunate tragedy occurred.

“I didn’t see any sports matches going on nearby, so I couldn’t figure out the reason for the shouting. I looked around to see if maybe these men were warning me about some imminent danger, but nothing.”

What happened next may be unsuitable for those with weak constitutions.

“I began to decipher the shouting and was just appalled. They were yelling things like ‘You look attractive tonight!’ and ‘I’d like to buy you dinner sometime!’ I was mortified.”

One daring man even went so far as to attempt to strike up a conversation.

“I was waiting at the crosswalk when this man asked me for directions to a certain restaurant. I told him quickly but then he made a comment about the weather and asked me where I was headed tonight. Who does that?”

Thanks to those unscrupulous creeps, one young woman’s night was ruined.

“I just figured our society was over that behavior by now. I didn’t think horrible things like this still occurred.”

Neither did we, Shawna. Neither did we.

Breaking: Couple Gets Green Light to be Surgically Conjoined

Hun and Bae Jenkins have long stopped using their real names, opting to be known only by their pet names for each other. The pair have grown virtually inseparable over the course of their relationship, so much so that they share the same friends, hobbies, workplace, and even clothes. Now they want to take it a step further, and doctors have given them the ok.

“We want to cement our love in a lasting show of commitment,” says Hun. “We thought about getting matching tattoos or having a child, but those seemed too mundane. We want something radical.”

The couple has decided to undergo a procedure which will surgically conjoin them together, rendering each incapable of living without the other. Although this is obviously the case already, they want to make it public and permanent.

But the couple is not immune to societal pressures, says Bae.

“We asked our friends on our joint Facebook account for their opinions, but the responses we got were overwhelmingly negative. I think some of them are secretly jealous, but that’s okay. Not everyone can have a love as deep as ours.”

The decision is currently drawing fire from those who think it’s premature, however. Those who oppose include their families, friends, neighbors, coworkers, pets, childhood acquaintances, and the mailman.

“I don’t understand why they can’t just get married like normal people,” said Hun’s mother. “Isn’t that enough of a prison sentence already without being glued together?”

Well aware that they will continue to be faced with this same kind of discrimination, Hun and Bae are ignoring the negativity and moving forward with the procedure. They are certain their relationship will stand the test of time.

“We don’t need phony labels like ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ to prove how we feel about each other,” responds Hun. “We just want to make it physically impossible for us to separate.”

“We’ve been together for over 13 months already,” adds Bae. “We like the same things and we haven’t fought once. We’re pretty sure it’s gonna last,” they assured us.

We here at CharNN wish them the best, while several reconstructive surgeons and divorce attorneys have offered their services when the inevitable occurs.

Breaking: Volunteering Voted “Biggest Waste of Time” by American Youth

A new survey of young Americans aged 18-30 shows that the act of volunteering is largely viewed as a huge waste of time. Participants were asked to rank common activities from most to least worthwhile, with volunteering earning the overall bottom spot.

“You just don’t get anything out of it, y’know?” responded one young man. “Like, what’s the point of doing something for no reason?”

A young woman agreed: “I know you’re supposed to get this warm, fuzzy feeling out of it, but I’ve got stuff to do and bills to pay. I don’t go to work to get paid in warm, fuzzy feelings. I don’t spend time with my grandma just for the warm, fuzzy feelings.”

It seems that even completing the survey was too daunting an act of charity, since participants had to be bribed with energy drinks and Steam points.

“Life is precious and we only get a certain amount of time to be alive. I want to make sure I’m prioritizing my time by not doing anything that doesn’t┬ábenefit me. I want to make sure I die happy,” said another young woman.

So if volunteering is at the bottom of the list of priorities, what’s on top? Researchers revealed that activities such as “binge-watching Orange is the New Black,” “shopping for hand-carved gauges on Etsy,” and “replaying through Ocarina of Time again” scored high on the list.