Home » Other Writing » Sunday Morning Ramblings: Another Aside

Sunday Morning Ramblings: Another Aside

I’ve been having recurring unpleasant dreams lately, and this is only worth noting because I very seldom dream at all. I like it that way because Lord knows I don’t need to be ruminating over things in my sleep; I do enough of that every waking hour. (“Day 58 – Sleep” is about this subject, if you care to know.) I know my own mind well enough to recognize that when I start having the same dreams or really, dreams at all, it’s because something’s wrong and I’m trying to tell myself how to fix it.

Lately I’ve been dreaming about apologizing to my exes. All of them. Before you ask- no, it’s not because I’ve been a tyrannically abusive monster to them (well actually I guess you’d have to ask them, but I don’t think they’d say that.) However, I’ve made my share of mistakes, had all the normal frustrations of treading water in relationships that couldn’t work out, and that’s never fun for anyone involved. I don’t walk around with a raging guilt complex, and I understand that falling in as well as falling out is a two-way street. But still, y’know, I guess it bothers me, the way I was a kid who just didn’t know any better, and I can’t change that.

Obviously, apologizing in real life is a no-go. They’ve all skittered off into the woodwork and there’s nothing worse than disrupting someone’s happy forgetting to remind them that once upon a time in a faraway land, the two of us were good together, and then we did some really mean shit to each other out of frustration. I wouldn’t even know what to say anyways- sorry we broke up? Sorry I was mad and it was messy and terrible? There’s really nothing to be said for it at this point, certainly nothing worth opening the “why are you suddenly talking to me?” can of worms.

So why does it matter, why the dreams? Because I would like to believe it won’t happen again. I’ve been back in the dating pool for a little while now, wining and dining with new people and hey, it’s kinda scary. Actually, it’s very scary, and that’s before we get to the “So why did your previous relationships not work out?” interrogations. I would like to believe that I’ve learned from my failures, that I’ve matured into a person who won’t make the same mistakes again. I suppose recognizing your faults is the first step, and attempting to rectify mistakes is the next logical one.

I can’t make up for the ugliness that happened, nor will I take credit for all the things that went wrong. There’s no substantial need for me to apologize except to myself.

So I guess what this is, what I’m attempting to do here, is to throw a coin in the fountain of good karma- to put it out there into the universe and hope the good vibes will settle around me. This is for me far more than it’s for them, and it’s for you, dear reader. There are just some things that an apology won’t cover, but the important part is to be sorry. Too often we’re told to forgive ourselves before we’re even sorry, but remorse is an important part of the process. Not because it’ll do anything to change or fix the past, but because it’s good for our health. I think we all could benefit from simply acknowledging our shortcomings, and then blowing them a kiss as they’re swept away in the wind.

I think we’d all sleep a little better at night.

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5 thoughts on “Sunday Morning Ramblings: Another Aside

  1. Charlotte I thought it was very brave of you to put out so much of an explanation about your feelings–though poets tend to do that anyway as you do in your writing. I’m a recovering alcoholic–10 years sober–I learned early on that regret and remorse are things one needs to put behind them to be replaced by simply accepting the fact that you are less than perfect. Also I learned not to say I was sorry for soething, whiuch is different thasn apologizing. To say your sorry defines you as a sorry persn. To appologize, use that word means you own up to your mistakes but are not bound to ‘pay’ for them past that point. Amends breaks the master/sdlave bond we put each other through in the things we do to each other. Anyway I’m glad to hear you are out there again. It’s the choices you make that put you in the situations you find yourself and if you keep making the same choices well you knoiw the rest… Take care, Best. >KB

  2. Hello, Just reading through your posts, and I thought I’d throw in my two cents. Not that I know anything about dream interpretation, but I’m a consummate dabbler and a perpetual davil’s advocate,, and I wanted to propose an alternate translation: Some people take the view that, in dreams, you’re everyone. Taking that perspective, your exes might represent, not themselves, but who you were when you were with them. And if that were the case, it could be argued that you are apologizing to the person you were for the things you used to do. Just a random thought.

    • I rather like that interpretation, definitely something to think about! I guess in placing the importance on “being sorry”, I’m trying to say that it’s more important to be sorry for my own personal reasons, as opposed to making those people feel better. I think we all find that there are aspects of ourselves we just don’t want to have anymore.
      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. I like what you had to say about feeling remorse, and then apologizing. How many times did that one friend apologize with remorse noticeably absent?! It made the apology worthless, to me. I get it now. I’m gonna let those things lie and move on. Thanks for the reminder 🙂

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