Home » Poetry » Day 217 – Losing Your Biggest Fan

Day 217 – Losing Your Biggest Fan

Losing your biggest fan feels like
losing them all,
like nobody believes in you anymore
even though they all
still might.

There may be three thousand people
on the internet
who say nice things about you
when you never have nice things to write about
and they may think you’ve got the chops
when how can they know you
anyways.

But your biggest fan,
the one who really understood
more than anybody else-
if you lose them it feels like
you’re in the world alone.

But you still sit down every day to write
though you can feel in your heart
they’re not reading anymore,
that your words were sent floating
but you don’t care where they land
because they’ll never reach those eyes
which won’t see.

And you hope with that practice,
that perpetual trying,
in the face of uncertainty,
that somebody somewhere
is getting something out of
you.

And you beat your fists sometimes.

But the longer you struggle
the more peaceful it gets
and all of your fans, all of them
slowly disappear
from your mind, from importance,
from the room alone in you
where it matters.

So that if you strike an island
which is feared, where no man goes,
you’ll explore with the bravery
of a curious child
and your findings will hold
every beauty for you
and for you
alone.

So wish them well
who you’ve let down
because losing your biggest fan
just happens to be
the first step to finding
your biggest fan.

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14 thoughts on “Day 217 – Losing Your Biggest Fan

  1. You made me feel better too. My dear, dear love died in December, and since then…well, it’s just as you say.

  2. I’m extremely grateful to be able to provide at least a little bit of comfort to those in similar situations. I believe the greatest human desire is not for love, sympathy, or even happiness, but for understanding. To find someone who truly understands you is a difficult thing, but to lose them is excruciating. It wreaks havoc on our self-esteem, our sense of purpose, even our motivation to continue. But continue we must, always. For the world is not so large that there aren’t other people just like us, waiting to understand and be understood, if we only have the courage to look.
    Best wishes to all, especially you Nancy- I can’t even begin to know your pain but I’m glad that we understand one another.

  3. “But you still sit down every day to write
    though you can feel in your heart
    they’re not reading anymore,
    that your words were sent floating
    but you don’t care where they land
    because they’ll never reach those eyes
    which won’t see.”

    Your description was soo… heart-wrenching. So well-said and spot on it makes me want to tear up. That biggest fan who is the friend who looked out for you in school, your parent, your partner, your sibling. And the sadness of knowing you are meaningless for that meaningful person.

    And then, life goes on. Your feelings shine across this piece so beautifully, yet so peacefully. The mourning yet hopeful words are so well-paced.

    Beautiful piece.

  4. No matter how strenuously we may try to convince ourselves otherwise, we all need personal relationships to complete ourselves. When when we loose our biggest fan, we loose part of ourself, a part that will never be replaced. It changes us. When we gain a new biggest fan, we gain a part of ourselves we did not have before, and that at least has the potential to make us even better.

  5. Pingback: Day 217 – Losing Your Biggest Fan | manmadeoceans

  6. This is by turns chilling and heartwarming. I have to say that you dragged up an old memory and then helped me deal with it. Thanks. Also, it’s a good poem.

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