Home » Flash Fiction » 52 Flashes of Fiction: Week 5 – How To Get Rid Of A Ghost

52 Flashes of Fiction: Week 5 – How To Get Rid Of A Ghost

When you’re eating your cereal in the morning or trying to finish the end of a book you didn’t really like, it’s pretty inconvenient to have a bulging pair of eyes over your shoulder that you can’t even swat away. You can’t swat them away because your hand will just swish right through like a line of static on the tv screen and the regular program of some specter nosing in your business will resume. It’s pretty inconvenient.

I saw on that same tv screen an advertisement once for some kind of hooey about getting rid of ghosts but the line of static was right across where the phone number was supposed to be and so I couldn’t call and ask what kind of hooey they were trying to sell. But it made me think about how people can make money with that stuff, with kindof halfway solving a problem or just pretending to solve it. And so it makes sense to me that if you actually solve a problem you should make a lot of money. That’s not how the world works, I know, but that’s the way it strikes me it should.

So obviously I am trying to make a lot of money by writing this and telling you how to get rid of your ghosts. You must pay me after you read this because if you don’t that’s very rude, you should always give payment after you receive a service. Even if it’s a smile, I’ll take a smile or a peanut-butter sandwich or a box of matches. Any of those things.

So if you want to know how to make your ghosts go away you just have to trap them on paper. How you do this is you take a pencil and begin to list all of the things you hate about the ghost. This will not make it go away, not even close. This will actually make it pretty smug and it will stick around, snickering in your ear when you’re trying to take a bath or file your quarterly reports at work. It will love to know that you’re thinking about it because ghosts cannot read your thoughts. You must not write down that you’re trying to make it go away, though, because that will ruin it.

Next thing you have to do is make some money off of your ghost. This is what I am doing right now, and at this very moment my ghost is getting quite angsty and upset. You and I both know how it feels to be proven wrong right after you are feeling pretty smug about how awesome and correct about the world you are. My ghost is feeling very defeated right about now, I know. So that’s what you have to do with yours. But that’s not how you get rid of it, because when you make something upset it just wants to poke holes in you even more.

Do you know how sad you get when someone you like pretends to like you a lot so they can get you to help them with their math homework, and then when that Algebra course is over for the year they stop talking to you? And then you secretly hope that you will both be in the same Geometry class next year because being used for homework help feels better than being ignored? And then you don’t get put in the same math class at all and they never talk to you because they have no use for you? Well, your ghost can’t be in any math class because it is a ghost and ghosts have no use for math and they also can’t hold onto a pencil, but you will make your ghost feel like that and gradually, finally get the hint and go away by doing the following:

Suddenly stop writing about your ghost.

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