Nothing happens in this story. In fact, I’m not really sure you could call it a story at all. Still, a lot of people will appreciate it for its offbeat approach to plot or whatever. But you’d have to count non-existence as a condition of being offbeat in order for that to work, and I’m sorry, but something isn’t quirky by virtue of not being anything. So I guess now you know I’m not one of those people who will appreciate the ‘spunk’ of this particular piece.
But you don’t care if I like this piece or not. You’re not even sure who’s saying these things- some omniscient narrator apart from the author you very well know is writing this? Someone had to write it.
‘And what a waste of time,’ they’re thinking, ‘to have written this hunk of crap that feels alright now but will be so annoying to read tomorrow.’ (That’s not how I really feel, in case you’re wondering. But who cares what I feel.)
In this case you’ve got a narrator that is as apprehensive about the lack of plot in this story as I am about raising your hopes by telling you first off that nothing happens, like you’d actually believe it. What are you going to do about that? Do you keep reading?
Sure you will, because if you don’t, the next words don’t and won’t exist. You keep reading because it’s in front of you and you’ve already started. You won’t quit, even though I’ve already told you that nothing happens. You don’t believe me.
You’re suspicious of a random unknown narrator- and why shouldn’t you be? And yet somehow you trust me with everything you have; you trust that I can make your time well spent, that I can teach you something you didn’t already know.
Well I already did that. But you’re holding on to the end now, as your face is showing a little bit of a perturbed, impatient look, and now you’re just looking forward to being disappointed, to forming some criticism against this piece that you read that wasted your time so you can tell your friends not to bother reading it.
Tell them not to read it, tell them the narrator told you to say that. Tell them what I told you, that nothing happens in this story. See if they care. Do you?