Have you recently noticed a heightened interest in literature among friends who are otherwise dumb as stumps? Do you have a son or daughter who suddenly thinks reading is cool? You may be surprised to learn that researchers have discovered a highly addictive drug contained in the scent of books.
The drug, dubiously dubbed ‘The Bookworm’ is a hallucinogenic mixture which causes those who inhale it to experience a temporary high followed by an inflated ego, nonsensical rambling, and delusions of grandeur. The most potent strains are found in works such as those by Faulkner, Nietzsche, and Tolstoy, with larger doses being found in larger volumes. The discovery of the drug, a long-held underground secret, is causing quite a stir within the nation.
“I shoulda known it was drugs in there,” says one local man. “All these hipsters runnin’ around in their tweed jackets carryin’ stacks of books, but they still don’t know shit.”
The revelation is also having major repercussions on bookstores and libraries, many of which have already been shut down as certified drug dens. Over 400 local teachers and librarians have been arrested on grounds of drug distribution.
One such librarian is Ethel Bainbridge, 63, who we contacted for comment as she was being led out into a squad car.
“It makes you wonder why no one in the government ever caught on until now, eh?” she chuckled.
With the development of this issue comes retaliation from the National Drug Association, which has vowed to crack down on this so-called “reading for pleasure.” Other drug education programs are revamping their brands, such as D.A.R.E’s reassigning of their acronym to now stand for Drug Abuse and Reading Elimination. They plan to unveil their new “Books Are For Crooks” program for elementary schools in 2016.
The ramifications of this epidemic are currently unknown, but reports indicate that it has swept into every part of the country, with the exception of a few small towns in Alabama. The following are tell-tale signs of book abuse:
– increased wearing of thick-rimmed, non-prescription glasses
– ownership of multiple library cards
– inability to resist interjecting into an intellectual debate
– sudden interest in writing, trivia, and/or watching Ted Talks
If you suspect a loved one to be a victim of book abuse, please call your local drug hotline.