I has a podcast! And it’s not about poetry!

Do you like wrestling? It doesn’t matter. You like silly party games! You like listening to people talk about butts! You like that a person who was once a serious poet is now co-hosting a ridiculous podcast about wrestling with her boyfriend and BFF! You like that this world is a crazy place and you appreciate a good WTF moment. Well here it is.

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A few years ago I would’ve said wrestling was a dumb fake sport that only preteen boys cared about. But a friend dragged me to a live show and I was immediately hooked. I’ve probably been to at least 50 live shows including NXT, Raw, NJPW, PWG, PCW, and Wrestlemania. I know way more about wrestling than probably any teacher should know and my students LOVE IT.

I’m also like, working on a book of children’s poetry but that’s a ways off. So in the meantime you can hear me and my buds play dumb games like:

  • What food does this wrestler’s hair look like?
  • Which two random wrestlers should totally date?
  • Which wrestlers would you take on a road trip?
  • Which dog breed would this wrestler be?

And more!

Subscribe on iTunes, follow us on Twitter, submit your own silly games or tell us your answers!

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Breaking: Motherhood is 100% More Fulfilling Than Anything You’ll Ever Do

According to a recent survey of pretty much every Mom ever, squeezing a small human out of your nether regions is equally the most burdensome and the most rewarding thing any female can do. While the hardships of birth and child-raising are enough to guarantee pity and guilty faux-respect from bystanders for a lifetime, the enlightenment of the experience ensures that moms get to hold it over their heads for just as long.

“It’s almost as if God himself came down and blessed my uterus with my own special little angel, and while he was at it he granted me all this insight and wisdom that non-moms just can’t understand,” said one chronic procreator. “I’m pretty much a sacred vessel of the future.”

This mom-specific wisdom has been the subject of much controversy among those selfish non-moms who obviously don’t care that there will be no one around to take care of them when they’re old.

“I don’t believe becoming a mother inherently endows someone with extra knowledge or experience that couldn’t be gained elsewhere, such as in professions which work closely with other people’s children,” said one bitter old shrew, Alexa Green. “Fulfillment can be gained from caring for children regardless of biology, such as in the case of adoption, as well as numerous other childcare occupations.”

But Alexa’s just a teacher, so what the hell does she know? At age 39 with no children of her own, she’s probably bitter that no one wanted to procreate with her, or that she chose an occupation which left her too poor to support a family. Even though she states that her “childfree” life was a choice, we know all it’ll take is the right man to come along and change her mind.

As for those women who have yet to experience the sheer miracle that is motherhood, we’re assured that it’s everything anyone has ever dreamed of and more, and it’s definitely right for you, despite what you may believe. Even this CharNN reporter now understands that she was a fool to ever believe in a socially-evolved society wherein women could aspire to anything greater.

Breaking: Man Pursues Impossible Dream, Wins Prestigious ‘A for Effort’ Award

On a slow news day, sometimes it’s nice to cover common occurrences that often go unnoticed. We’ve received yet another report highlighting the wonder of everything that’s right in the world: a man has pursued an impossible dream and, while not achieving that dream, has been presented with the ‘A for Effort’ award because life is nothing if not fair and just.

The prestigious award is commonly given to those who display average feats of bravery and commitment to astonishing goals which are often so difficult that we’re not sure why anyone would’ve ever tried to reach them anyway. Literally billions have taken comfort in the fact that reaching such lofty goals is unnecessary because a patronizing pat on the back is never far away.

The ‘A for Effort’ award includes the prize of a comfortable living, the affirmation and affection of one’s family, friends, and peers, as well as the personal satisfaction of not having tried very hard before reaping all of life’s undeserved rewards. The award has actually become so typical that mankind’s progress has come to a grinding halt due to lack of motivation, but who needs progress when the forerunners of change can instead accrue awards right from their living rooms!

In fact, this CharNN reporter just won the ‘A for Effort’ award for the eighth time in a row for typing actual words on the screen instead of just posting cat pictures! Hooray for real news and a world where life is totally fair!

Breaking: Woman Turns Down Marriage Proposal Because She’s a Freaking Biotch and Was Probably Cheating Anyway

We’ve received a report today from a distraught young man who tells us that his marriage proposal to his girlfriend has been rejected. The pair had been together for over two years and Tyler Sturgess, 27, says that her dismissal was completely out of the blue.

“Everything was going great- no red flags,” he told us. “I mean, things were rocky when I lost my job about a year ago, but I’ve been doing freelance DJ gigs and working on my Linkedin portfolio a lot. She was totally supportive! It’s not like I forced her to get two jobs, and I said I’d help with the laundry and stuff whenever hockey wasn’t on, but she kept saying not to bother.”

Tyler insists that his proposal was everything any woman ever dreamed of: a moment of romance, passion, and tears, ending with a huge rock placed on her finger.

“I had just bowled a 250, my best game ever, when I looked over at my lady doing taxes or something. She’s so pretty when she’s stressed out. And I was just full of love and I said, ‘Babe, let’s do it’ and I gave her the purple ring pop I won out of the claw machine.”

But apparently such a touching gesture wasn’t enough for Miss Hoity-Toity, who declined to comment on the matter. We didn’t really want to talk to her anyway, because Tyler says she was probably cheating on him.

“She was at work like 60 hours a week, who knows what she could’ve been doing. All I know is, any woman that could just reject a marriage proposal for no good reason and break my heart like that must’ve been up to no good.”

What a freaking biotch.

But I’m Not That Funny (And the Reason I Don’t Care Anymore)

I’m sure by now you’ve noticed that I’ve made the switch from poetry to humorous satire pieces. I’m havin’ a ball, y’all. Satire has been near and dear to me since I was a freckled youth embarrassing my mom at the grocery store, walking straight into other peoples’ shopping carts while reading Pride & Prejudice. I was the one weirdo in the back of my high school English class trying to hold in snickers and snorts because “COME ON GUYS, Catch-22 is uproarious and why isn’t anyone else appreciating this fact?” I’ve made a few half-hearted attempts to write my own satire but it always ended up on the back-burner because I’m just not that funny.

Fast-forward to last week: I’m a fabulous, classy lady performing my work at a coffee shop poetry reading (pff, the second half of that is true.) I’ve already been struggling and fussing with poetry in general because I’m just not sure I love it anymore. I don’t read publicly often but I’m there hanging with some friends already and I have a copy of Candy Pizza buried in the trunk of my car somewhere so I’m pretty much well-prepared.

Now, normally when I read I get a pretty average response- an attentive audience, polite claps, a couple people coming over to fist-bump me afterwards- but tonight I tell them I’m reading from my own book and, before I’ve even read one poem, the host offers me a feature spot at a future show. (Apparently a feature is when you get to hog up the stage for a night while you try to get people to buy your book.) The mood is different when I read, like people are listening harder, clapping longer, and I think even the old dude in the back is finally chewing with his mouth closed.

And I think to myself, “Here I am. I’ve arrived at poetry. And it’s because I published a book and they think that means I’m better than I normally am. And if I take that feature spot I’ll be IN with the poetry people and I’ll have to shake all their hands and recite the lyrics to “My Sharona” onstage in a Shakespearean accent for irony and giggles and say things like, ‘Don’t forget to tip your baristas!’ and I know I can’t do that because none of these people know that Poetry and I have been in the pre-breakup fighting stage for quite a while now and I just can’t make this my thing.”

That’s when I knew I was done with poetry. At least for now.

The thing is, I don’t trust a lot of people, but I trust me. I trust that if I feel done with poetry, no amount of forcing it is ever going to help. I trust that I’ll never let myself become so wrapped up in the parade of “being a writer” that I no longer write things I love. I trust that I’ll come back around to poetry sooner or later, when it feels right. And I trust that I actually am that funny.

It really doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks so, because I do. I crack myself up every day. The last couple of pieces I’ve written have had me giggling like some kind of devious lunatic and I love that. And the intent of satire is the exact same thing as what I’ve been doing with poetry or short fiction: to point out stuff about life and make people think about it. It’s just easier (and more fun, honestly) to reach people through humor rather than through their cheesy, rhyme-y, melancholy heartstrings.

I consider it a sign of a healthy mind to never be satisfied in any one area for too long. I’ll probably never be fully satisfied with anything, but I’ll be writing some great stuff along the way. (And by the looks of your comments and ‘likes’, I don’t think my lovely readers will mind the change too much.)

Stick around, loves, it’s gonna be good.

Char

Breaking: The Smell of Books Found to be Highly Addictive Drug

Have you recently noticed a heightened interest in literature among friends who are otherwise dumb as stumps? Do you have a son or daughter who suddenly thinks reading is cool? You may be surprised to learn that researchers have discovered a highly addictive drug contained in the scent of books.

The drug, dubiously dubbed ‘The Bookworm’ is a hallucinogenic mixture which causes those who inhale it to experience a temporary high followed by an inflated ego, nonsensical rambling, and delusions of grandeur. The most potent strains are found in works such as those by Faulkner, Nietzsche, and Tolstoy, with larger doses being found in larger volumes. The discovery of the drug, a long-held underground secret, is causing quite a stir within the nation.

“I shoulda known it was drugs in there,” says one local man. “All these hipsters runnin’ around in their tweed jackets carryin’ stacks of books, but they still don’t know shit.”

The revelation is also having major repercussions on bookstores and libraries, many of which have already been shut down as certified drug dens. Over 400 local teachers and librarians have been arrested on grounds of drug distribution.

One such librarian is Ethel Bainbridge, 63, who we contacted for comment as she was being led out into a squad car.

“It makes you wonder why no one in the government ever caught on until now, eh?” she chuckled.

With the development of this issue comes retaliation from the National Drug Association, which has vowed to crack down on this so-called “reading for pleasure.” Other drug education programs are revamping their brands, such as D.A.R.E’s reassigning of their acronym to now stand for Drug Abuse and Reading Elimination. They plan to unveil their new “Books Are For Crooks” program for elementary schools in 2016.

The ramifications of this epidemic are currently unknown, but reports indicate that it has swept into every part of the country, with the exception of a few small towns in Alabama. The following are tell-tale signs of book abuse:

– increased wearing of thick-rimmed, non-prescription glasses
– ownership of multiple library cards
– inability to resist interjecting into an intellectual debate
– sudden interest in writing, trivia, and/or watching Ted Talks

If you suspect a loved one to be a victim of book abuse, please call your local drug hotline.

Breaking: Woman Surprised to Find OkCupid Date Interesting

A young woman in Central Florida is ecstatic to report that for the first time, one of her OkCupid dates turned out to be interesting. Ashley, 23, has been using the dating site for a few months, but until now the results have been meager.

“It’s usually just been guys wanting to talk about books and movies and stuff,” she says. “A couple of the really boring ones were into stuff like philosophy, life goals, and social issues, but like, ew.”

Not so with her most recent date, Sean, 25.

“Sean was like hay in a haystack, or whatever that phrase is. He was really different and soo interesting! He talked about CrossFit for like an hour, and even showed me his special weightlifting shoes.”

Other topics of conversation reportedly included Sean’s childhood dog, Sean’s favorite kind of cereal, the origin of the scar on Sean’s knee, and how cool it would be to be abducted by aliens.

“I mean, I couldn’t really chime in on any of that stuff, but just listening to him talk was fascinating. Plus he totally didn’t mind that I was playing Tetris on my phone throughout dinner. Win!”

When contacted for comment, Sean told reporters a story about the time he discovered that he actually does like Korean food. When pressed again for comment about Ashley, he assured us that she’s “totally chill.”

Looks like love wins again, folks.