Breaking: Motherhood is 100% More Fulfilling Than Anything You’ll Ever Do

According to a recent survey of pretty much every Mom ever, squeezing a small human out of your nether regions is equally the most burdensome and the most rewarding thing any female can do. While the hardships of birth and child-raising are enough to guarantee pity and guilty faux-respect from bystanders for a lifetime, the enlightenment of the experience ensures that moms get to hold it over their heads for just as long.

“It’s almost as if God himself came down and blessed my uterus with my own special little angel, and while he was at it he granted me all this insight and wisdom that non-moms just can’t understand,” said one chronic procreator. “I’m pretty much a sacred vessel of the future.”

This mom-specific wisdom has been the subject of much controversy among those selfish non-moms who obviously don’t care that there will be no one around to take care of them when they’re old.

“I don’t believe becoming a mother inherently endows someone with extra knowledge or experience that couldn’t be gained elsewhere, such as in professions which work closely with other people’s children,” said one bitter old shrew, Alexa Green. “Fulfillment can be gained from caring for children regardless of biology, such as in the case of adoption, as well as numerous other childcare occupations.”

But Alexa’s just a teacher, so what the hell does she know? At age 39 with no children of her own, she’s probably bitter that no one wanted to procreate with her, or that she chose an occupation which left her too poor to support a family. Even though she states that her “childfree” life was a choice, we know all it’ll take is the right man to come along and change her mind.

As for those women who have yet to experience the sheer miracle that is motherhood, we’re assured that it’s everything anyone has ever dreamed of and more, and it’s definitely right for you, despite what you may believe. Even this CharNN reporter now understands that she was a fool to ever believe in a socially-evolved society wherein women could aspire to anything greater.

Advertisements

Breaking: Woman Walking Downtown Actually Cat-called By Group of Men

Reporters here at CharNN were shocked to learn of a cat-calling incident in downtown Orlando last night. A local woman, Shawna, 22, tells us she was walking alone from a parking garage to a bar to meet friends when this unfortunate tragedy occurred.

“I didn’t see any sports matches going on nearby, so I couldn’t figure out the reason for the shouting. I looked around to see if maybe these men were warning me about some imminent danger, but nothing.”

What happened next may be unsuitable for those with weak constitutions.

“I began to decipher the shouting and was just appalled. They were yelling things like ‘You look attractive tonight!’ and ‘I’d like to buy you dinner sometime!’ I was mortified.”

One daring man even went so far as to attempt to strike up a conversation.

“I was waiting at the crosswalk when this man asked me for directions to a certain restaurant. I told him quickly but then he made a comment about the weather and asked me where I was headed tonight. Who does that?”

Thanks to those unscrupulous creeps, one young woman’s night was ruined.

“I just figured our society was over that behavior by now. I didn’t think horrible things like this still occurred.”

Neither did we, Shawna. Neither did we.

Breaking: Woman Turns Down Marriage Proposal Because She’s a Freaking Biotch and Was Probably Cheating Anyway

We’ve received a report today from a distraught young man who tells us that his marriage proposal to his girlfriend has been rejected. The pair had been together for over two years and Tyler Sturgess, 27, says that her dismissal was completely out of the blue.

“Everything was going great- no red flags,” he told us. “I mean, things were rocky when I lost my job about a year ago, but I’ve been doing freelance DJ gigs and working on my Linkedin portfolio a lot. She was totally supportive! It’s not like I forced her to get two jobs, and I said I’d help with the laundry and stuff whenever hockey wasn’t on, but she kept saying not to bother.”

Tyler insists that his proposal was everything any woman ever dreamed of: a moment of romance, passion, and tears, ending with a huge rock placed on her finger.

“I had just bowled a 250, my best game ever, when I looked over at my lady doing taxes or something. She’s so pretty when she’s stressed out. And I was just full of love and I said, ‘Babe, let’s do it’ and I gave her the purple ring pop I won out of the claw machine.”

But apparently such a touching gesture wasn’t enough for Miss Hoity-Toity, who declined to comment on the matter. We didn’t really want to talk to her anyway, because Tyler says she was probably cheating on him.

“She was at work like 60 hours a week, who knows what she could’ve been doing. All I know is, any woman that could just reject a marriage proposal for no good reason and break my heart like that must’ve been up to no good.”

What a freaking biotch.

Breaking: Woman Surprised to Find OkCupid Date Interesting

A young woman in Central Florida is ecstatic to report that for the first time, one of her OkCupid dates turned out to be interesting. Ashley, 23, has been using the dating site for a few months, but until now the results have been meager.

“It’s usually just been guys wanting to talk about books and movies and stuff,” she says. “A couple of the really boring ones were into stuff like philosophy, life goals, and social issues, but like, ew.”

Not so with her most recent date, Sean, 25.

“Sean was like hay in a haystack, or whatever that phrase is. He was really different and soo interesting! He talked about CrossFit for like an hour, and even showed me his special weightlifting shoes.”

Other topics of conversation reportedly included Sean’s childhood dog, Sean’s favorite kind of cereal, the origin of the scar on Sean’s knee, and how cool it would be to be abducted by aliens.

“I mean, I couldn’t really chime in on any of that stuff, but just listening to him talk was fascinating. Plus he totally didn’t mind that I was playing Tetris on my phone throughout dinner. Win!”

When contacted for comment, Sean told reporters a story about the time he discovered that he actually does like Korean food. When pressed again for comment about Ashley, he assured us that she’s “totally chill.”

Looks like love wins again, folks.

Year 2: Day 167 – Technique

For a man,
an empty bear trap
must feel awful.
All that work
and no head
on the mantel.

A hook coming up
back out of the water
without a worm and
without a fish,
twice a loss, I guess
that must feel
twice as bad.

You and your offensive metaphors.

I’m not a lotto ball printed
just one number off,
but I’ll admit I’m a
wasted sushi dinner
if you think that’s an investment
in your hopes.
I’m a waste of time,
I’m tryna tell ya,
if you’re hiding some kind of net
behind your back.
I see you shaking a bag of leaves
over a ditch
but I won’t fall.

Me and my offensive metaphors.

You’re not Elmer Fudd hunting wabbits-
if what we do is really science
you just don’t know the right math
’cause I’m not a solution,
and you don’t have a problem.

All these offensive metaphors.

We’re people and
you have a technique.
It was nice to meet you.

Year 2: Day 160 – A Glorious Reign Of Terror

If the dream must die
I’d rather kill it myself
in a glorious reign of terror.

If there is no reward after all
for patience and virtue
I might as well laugh
while I rip down the sky.

I might as well give the crowd
the show they’ve been aching for,
if there is no reason
to be demure anymore.

If they want a bag of meat
they’re gonna get it;
bloodhounds snarling in a language
that needs no interpretation,
whose currency is fire in the eyes,
is mirrors and skin,
is hunger and thirst.

I’ve lived for decades in this form
and don’t I know its charms,
every prize it were capable to snatch?
Haven’t I known it were possible
to stun the wolves before now?

But the secret dance, my best colors
behind my eyelids which shutter
a world unbreached, unquiet,
unwilling to bare itself out,
had a dream that they were enough,
a silly dream,

an innocent dream from softer pastures
from younger planets without wisdom,
before being lifted by its neck scruff
and set down in a ghastlier truth
and stoked to fever.

If the dream must die
I’d rather kill it myself
than watch it rust to dust;

I’d rather stand beloved
by a pack of dogs, frenzied
by the dripping knife in my hand,
beautiful at last
in a glorious reign of terror.

Year 2: Day 102 – Puppies

I hear what they say about me,
they say I collect puppies.
Meh, it could be worse.

I could actually believe
that the hunt is all that matters.
I could get upset when them girls close the windows,
they don’t want me runnin’ with their boys no more,
when them boys get uptight when they read the wrong sign
about this business be closed or open,
when they call my only friends puppies.

It don’t heat me none.
But a lot of the world’s missin’ a beautiful thing:
when a woman can rest her head
on the shoulder of a man
and he ain’t a puppy
and she ain’t afraid
and it’s nothin’ else,
nothin’ to read.

I could live a full life like that.
Hear ’em talk I’m the only one,
and maybe that’s why it looks
the way it does.